So… I guess I haven’t posted in a while.
You could say my recent months have been quite the up and down. Mentally I’ve been battling with lots of different thoughts and I’m pushing myself to achieve greatness.
I was recently tasked with looking after two very unwell and malnourished puppies 1 was a little chihuahua only 2 days old, the chihuahua was very small and fragile from not getting enough milk as his brothers and sisters took all of the milk. The other puppy, a dachshund, was only 5 days old and was rejected by his mother.
I had only had the two puppies in my cares for a few hours before the Chihuahua couldn’t fight any longer and died whilst I was feeding him. The Dauchshund I cared for over 24 hours getting up every 2 hours to feed him and then spending all day cuddling him and keeping him warm. Unfortunately he died on the second night. It was a horrible experience as he was gasping for air suddenly, my mother and I ran around aimlessly trying everything we could to keep him alive but unfortunately he couldn’t go on any longer and passed away. The experience made me lose all hope for the next 3 days as I cried randomly as I found it hard to keep my mind on anything else. However, the experience made me realise how much I have always wanted a puppy of my own, after a conversation with my Mother she agreed to letting me get a puppy after my holiday. I have decided to get an Alaskan Klee Kai as I love the breed so much and feel that the type of dog is better suited to my home life.
Other things have gotten to me in the past few months though. I feel as if sometimes I give up on myself and my life and I often wonder if I could end the pain I do feel. My life regularly hits shitty bumps which I can’t seem to overcome. Since moving to this house last October, when I’m not working I spend my home life in my bedroom as I don’t have any friends or anyone to turn to, as hard as it is to admit, all my worries and emotions stay bottled up inside all the time. I also have been working as many hours as possible at a job I recently left because my older brother who lives at home treats my Mother like shit and wont ever get a job to help her pay the bills, so I work to help her pay bills. I’m starting a full time job next week to help her with her bills. I’m not very close with my family members which is why I find it hard to talk to them too. I feel like my past of being bullied, abused by my Father and my Fathers death and the constant guilt, it just taunts me mentally everyday which is why I find it hard to cope. When you have no friends and you feel like you can’t turn to anyone, it’s honestly the shittiest and most lonely feeling in the world.
I’m usually not a feelings type of girl and I don’t ever get emotional with people because I know no one cares to talk about things anymore. People only care when you can do something for them or offer something that benefits them. No one has real friendships anymore, it’s all bitchiness and talking behind each other’s back, there’s nothing real about friendships anymore. I think this is why I find it so hard to connect with people, because girls find it much easier to tear someone down rather than build them up. I honestly don’t see why people judge someone’s weight, what they wear, their music taste or even the sound of their voice. Why should it even matter? I’m so done with this generation of degenerates. What happened to the days of pure happiness? Where you could go out with your friend and a £2 coin and have the time of your life.
Anyway, you probably don’t care to read anymore so this is where I’ll end this. Just one more thing, just think when you judge someone or make a nasty comment, they could be thinking of how they could commit suicide to escape people like you. Quit being a bitch and treat people with some respect. How hard is it to smile and say something nice?